In His Time

As I drove on i25 back to work, my arm was hurting from the wound that the lab technician had inflicted. There are still no medical answers to my strange symptoms and sickness. I was trying to flex out the pain with the radio blaring commercials as I waited for the next newscast to tell me the weather and traffic report so I knew the best route to work. That’s when the annoying song turned on, some jingle I’ve heard before, that snapped my attention to quickly turn it off, before it lingered in my head all day long. As I pressed the off button on my old 1995 escort, I effectively shut off the radio, but in turn a glitch that happens on rare occasions, also cleared the clock and all my saved radio programs. Annoyed I kept it off, while trying to keep up with traffic. Frustrated all the radio stations were now lost and annoyed I would now have to reprogram everything; including the dashboard clock to the specific 10minutes ahead and align all the stations to the correctly numbered button. Great way addition to the morning!

Setting the time once I arrived to work, I settled to get the stations at another time and went in for the day. Having a conversation about dreams with a co-worker and recently been processing and feeling because of all that has gone on in the last years, it was hard for me to dream or even hope to begin to dream big dreams again and hope for something beyond normal life. Life right now is normal, I’m married…which is absolutely wonderful, and more then I did hope for, but working full time, and daily not challenging myself in anyway really. Life is just well… normal. I’m reminded of the TV show heroes’ where one of the main characters is leading a rather normal life, but feels destined for something more, something beyond normal. Anyway, that is the way I feel about life, I enjoy normal, almost would like just normal…whatever real normal is…defined by me would be calm, no major changes, steady, consistent, the same…and wonderful… but at the same time…is that really what I want, when in reality, figuratively speaking I can fly, walk through walls, raise the dead, heal the sick and hear The Voice…. Do I really want normal, when I know I am destined for something more, something else, something way beyond the everyday American normal….more then a job, money, family, vacations, TV, house cleaning, bill paying life we have…. There is something more out there…I’m just unsure about what that uncommon life is yet. I’m restless because I know that I want more.

Yet…life got in the way. Things haven’t looked like I thought they would, happened later in life, or not at all. Its different then thought they would become…some extremely hard changes. From death of several loved ones, to family separation by distance, to major job toils. I’m still at the same job after nine years and I can’t believe it’s been so long. Yet 9 years went by in a blink, so much life has happened in-between the 9 years since I started out as a young fresh out of high school, recent 19 year old. There’s a movie Mr. Magoruim’s Wonder Emporium that has so many good things in it, but there is one part of the story line that sticks out to me… Mahoney is the manager and she has this conversation…

Molly Mahoney: I'm stuck!
Mr. Edward Magorium: Oh, to my floor?
Molly Mahoney: No, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Then what?
Molly Mahoney: Like a person. You remember when I was a little girl and I could play Rahmaninov's Second Piano Concerto and everyone was talking about my potential?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mhm
Molly Mahoney: Well, I am 23 now and everyone's still talking about my potential but if you ask em to play the song I know best... I'll still play Rachmaninov's Second.
Mr. Edward Magorium: May I suggest you stun the world with Molly Mahoney's First?

Well this sums me up, I’m stuck. I know I have so much to give, so much more to do, so many more goals and it isn’t a job I’m passionate about, at times I can see the blessings in, but others I have to work so extra hard to enjoy a good day. However, every time I go to leave it doesn’t seem to work out for some other reason or another….the other job offer I got fell through, or I didn’t pass the qualification for the other job, or to leave to go to school fulltime due to it being paid for, only to have the opportunity taken away. I’ve not understood why. I still have the blessing though of working with a couple of friends, and seeing them daily, a wonderful supervisor, and even some ministry I actually feel I impact someone last week, by praying with her and hearing her story, something I haven’t gotten to do in a long time. The own recent tragedy in my life at the loss of my father-in-law, I was able to relate to her pain, pray with her and share comfort with her in a way I never expected to have insight in. So there is blessing yet in what I do…but why am I still here remains unanswered, when there are so many other things I’d rather go into and feel like I would have a larger impact else where.

I’ve finished my AA, yet not finished with a BA. I don’t really have a desire for class work in the typical sense, but not having a degree I’m working towards doesn’t motivate me in taking classes either to learn. I want to learn I wish I knew so much more in my passions, such as writing, art, and even music…but all practicality what would I do with it, how could I be a published author, or a freelancing artist or professional photographer….or in anywhere make a full time career or income out of those choices, so hence I’m still working at the same job, doing admin work and not going anywhere career wise. I feel I am destined to make an impact, a mark in the world some how some way beyond my own faltering and failures, but how do I get beyond that failure and start….

These have been the thoughts, the un-sureness of everything, going through my head, unable to process and come to a complete conclusion of, I know it will be worked out and I can look back and see the blessings of where I have been and what has gone on. As other things have happened that probably won’t be explained I know I do struggle with those answers….back to the radio at the beginning.

As I drove home, got into my old little teal car, I remembered the radio and the need to reprogram and started going through the process of doing just that. frustrating mounting as my crazy system was putting in different stations and it wasn’t landing on the normal news stations….after the final push of the search function it landed on, of all things the daily broadcast from work and started to play. The last thing I wanted to do was listen to work and I almost switched the program yet again, but hesitated…not sure what caught my attention and I can’t even recall specifics the struck me so. It was a guest speaker, and old re-airing of a decade old tape. She was talking about dreams and the struggle she had had to fulfill her life dreams, and how all the painful loss and sorrow she experienced how the dreams ended up molding and reforming and the outcome being different then she had expected, and how utterly painful it had been, but how beautiful the story was now. It spoke so identical to me; it was evidently orchestrated for me to hear all she had to say. The whole story for me isn’t complete yet, the expected will be to expect the unexpected and to take hold of what’s to come and work hard to make the best of what it is. She sang a song as I pulled up into the garage and sat in my car...its echoed in my head and become my prayer….and my hope….

In His time, He makes all things beautiful In His time, He makes all things beautifulLord, please show me everyday That You'll do just what You say In Your time, in Your time You make all things beautifulIn Your time, In Your time